Expecting too much. In many intimate relationships, we often have different expectations of our partner: expect him to be good to ourselves; expect him to remember what he has said; expect him to work hard to change for himself… ..
They say “If you don’t expect, you won’t be disappointed.” However, you find that even if you let go of expectations, it is difficult to get rid of the feeling of disappointment in your heart. This also makes many couples fall into a dilemma in the relationship: when a relationship is too much accumulated Too much disappointment, should I leave?
If not, is there a way that we can truly not be disappointed?
01 When a girlfriend says “Forget it”, what does she really want to express?
Expecting too much. Many times, in order to avoid disappointment, we choose not to expect, in order to make ourselves feel less passive and helpless.
In fact, the “sense of control” obtained by cutting off one’s own expectations is just an illusion.
To use an analogy: “Expectation” is like a crystal ball thrown by you. It draws a beautiful arc in the sky, and your heart hangs in the air like it. As long as the opponent hasn’t caught it for a day, You feel anxious, very passive, because the outcome of the crystal ball depends entirely on the opponent’s actions.
These few seconds suspended in the air are like a year to you. So you start to imagine that the other party can’t catch it, and the crystal ball smashes to the ground with a snap.
Expecting too much. When we are afraid of a thing, we often rehearse it in our minds in advance. This is to keep our emotions from collapsing when it really happens, which is a normal defense mechanism.
However, the wrong logic of “don’t expect” is that because you are too afraid of the crystal ball being broken, you decide to leave it alone, or you decide to imagine it is broken.
Expecting too much. This is ridiculous, isn’t it? Just as the ostrich gave up running away (putting its head in the sand) because it was too afraid of the enemy, it turned out to be more likely to be caught by the enemy.
In other words, if you give up your expectations because you are afraid of disappointment, then the ending must be disappointed. Because many things can’t be forgotten, it’s just a way of self-deception that is easier for us to accept.
When we wipe out our expectations at once, we are treating our needs in a very simple, rude and inhumane way. However, the demand has not disappeared out of thin air, but has been suppressed, so once the final result is not as expected, we will feel even more angry and disappointed.
To make matters worse, if long-term depression and negative emotions accumulate, no matter how good the intimate relationship is, one day will be exhausted.
(I’m Calliope,I’m an emotional writer from China, first, thank you for your follow, I’m very happy you can read my article, if you have the following questions:
1. Premarital, Post-marital relationship problems advice;
2. Problems about how to find a girlfriend;
3. Problems about the process of love.
02 No matter how suitable people are, they can’t stand the test
Expecting too much. One size fits all expectations of oneself, in addition to suppressing self-needs, it may also make us never satisfied with an intimate relationship, because behind “If you don’t expect it, you won’t be disappointed”, there is a psychological defense mechanism —— Idealization and Devaluation.
At the beginning of love, we always have a lot of “idealized” imaginations about our lovers and love itself. However, when there is a huge gap between reality and these expectations, our idealization will be shattered; we may feel angry, disappointed, and “belittle” the other party or the relationship.
There is no denying that to a certain extent, degrading can quickly get rid of pain, rebuild self-esteem, and regain self-integrity. But when we devalue it to the extreme, we may leave this intimate relationship and look for the next one.
Expecting too much. We may be able to leave our partner and continue to look for the next “ideal” partner, but if we still evade our expectations and needs, we will never be able to get rid of the pathological cycle of “idealization-depreciation”.
And if we maintain this inertia, we may never be satisfied with a relationship.
No matter how suitable the lover is, it may have let you down. How should a good intimacy deal with the sense of loss in love?
03 How do people with mature hearts face the sense of loss in love?
Expecting too much. Conflicts in intimate relationships are unavoidable, and the disappointment caused by conflicts is also unavoidable.
American marriage expert Wenger Juley wrote in her book “The Law of Happy Marriage”: “In the world, even the happiest marriage in this world will have 200 divorce thoughts and 50 choking each other. Thoughts.”
Compared with avoiding conflict, it is more important to tolerate the disappointment, anxiety, and anger that conflict brings us; and after conflict, communicate with each other in time to resolve conflict. The following are 3 suggestions and methods for coping:
1. Adjust those unrealistic expectations
Expecting too much. First of all, you need to know what your expectations are; for most people, your expectations are clear.
Expecting too much. The second step is to evaluate the reasonableness of expectations; which expectations are reasonable, and which expectations are unreasonable.
For example, the friend at the beginning of the above article, she actually knows that it is very difficult for her boyfriend to correct her own problems, and she still has the expectation that the other party can correct her at once, which is indeed too reluctant for her boyfriend.
In this case, the suggestion can formulate gradual expectations, such as doing the first step this time, doing the second step next time, and so on.
If the expectations themselves are reasonable, then subdivide the high expectations into reasonable steps, rather than simply and rudely across the board.
(Recommended reading:How to Use the Power of Silence After A Break-up to Get Your Ex Back?)
2. “Disappointment is not so terrible”
Expecting too much. Please believe that disappointment is not as terrible as we thought.
When psychologists studied the relationship between mother and child, they found that even the best mother would do one wrong thing to the baby every 19 seconds on average, but this did not cause damage to the relationship between mother and child. Because a good mother will actively communicate emotionally and resolve conflicts when the relationship breaks down.
The mother and child who have repaired the relationship can still ensure a good parent-child connection, and the child will still have confidence in the mother.
The same is true for intimacy. As long as it is a relationship that can be repaired, it is a good relationship; and communication is a good medicine in repairing intimate relationships.
3. Communicate the wishes behind your expectations
We know that behind every behavior of people, there are actually psychological motivations and needs. Therefore, instead of telling the other party about your expectations, it is better to directly communicate with the other party the emotions and needs behind your expectations.
Expecting too much. When the other party really understands your thoughts and intentions, can they understand your big and small expectations, and try their best to realize them one by one for you.
If you are the “expected” party, please try to let go of ineffective self-protection;
If you are the “expected” party, try to understand the thoughts and thoughts of the person you love.
There is no perfect lover in this world who can understand our needs all the time and meet our needs all the time; but through effective and intimate communication, we can approach that place infinitely.